Artemis Fowl and the Orbital expedition
by ArTeMiSfOwL Mature mix
Summary: Artemis visits relatives in the good ol' USA.
1. Plane Ride

Artemis Fowl and the Orbital expedition- based on a not so true story.  
  
.......................................................................  
  
Disclaimer- I do not claim ownership over any of Eoin Colfer's orignal.  
  
characters.............................................................  
  
...........  
  
Chapter one- Plane Ride  
  
Artemis Fowl sat impatiently in his oversized plane seat, dearly wishing he never stepped foot on this wretched thing.   
  
The stewardesses insisted on treating him like a child, bringing him apple juice and peanuts despite his glowering looks  
  
that he occasionally shot at them. The stewardesses all had fake smiles pasted on their faces, making them look overly  
  
happy. Artemis mentally pictured ripping their smiles off, and ligtened up momentarily.  
  
He glanced over at Juliet, who was sitting straight in her cushy seat, glancing around the plane. One of the many   
  
stewardesses walked down the aisle, pushing a cart of assorted snacks. Shortly looking at it, Artemis noticed how hungry  
  
he really was. The last meal he that he had consumed was a full eight hours ago, and even then, it was only a mere snack  
  
of shrimp cocktail. 'Psh' thought Artemis, 'It's highly unlikely that I'll actually eat any of this "food".' He stared at   
  
the cart and noticed still water.   
  
"Excuse me, miss," said Artemis curtly. "But I'd-" The stewardess turned and showed her highly falsified smile  
  
"Yes, young man? Would you like some more apple juice?" said the stewardess in a high, cheery voice that Artemis swore  
  
was fake. Artemis glanced over at his sippy cup of juice and snorted.  
  
"Actually, I'd prefer if you'd stop treating me like I am naught but a mere child. I don't drink apple juice. I'm a full  
  
fifteen years old. You don't need to treat me like I'm a fifth of that," He cleared his throat. "What I would like," he  
  
said, putting emphasis on would, "is a bottle of that cold still water." He pointed over to the exact brand he desired, and  
  
frowned. "No, no, I do not want a sippy cup," he declared as he took the prespiring bottle of water. "Thank you, that is all  
  
I require" he said and turned his attention to his water.   
  
"My, what a smart little boy!" squealed the stewardess as she pushed the cart along. Juliet coughed.  
  
Artemis reached for his PowerBook, placing his water aside. He flicked the power button and waited a few minutes for it to  
  
boot up. Twiddling his thumbs, he turned to Juliet. "Juliet, things will be...interesting where we're going to be. Supposedly,  
  
as you know, I'm going to be visiting distant relatives. They're a bit...different," Without explaining himself any further,  
  
Artemis turned his attention to his laptop. His wireless internet provider was asking for him to verify the login password.  
  
Typing in "mechanicalanimalsinawhitecoma", the connection instantly was made. His various instant messanger clients launched,  
  
and Artemis cruised over to Internet Explorer.   
  
"It's not like you to relax, Artemis. Are you alright?" asked Juliet, glancing at the web forums Artemis was cruising. He   
  
typed something into the address bar and pointed a finger to it. It read "trying not to draw attention". Artemis cleared that  
  
as Juliet noticed a few passengers staring at Artemis. Apparantly, his attitude towards the Stewardess caught a few peoples  
  
attention, so Artemis played it cool. Plugging in a pair of Earbuds into the headphone jack, Artemis pretended to be   
  
listening to music. The stares generally faded off of Artemis, and he sighed.   
  
"Nosy fools. None the less..." said Artemis, glancing at his buddy lists. He had it organized so there were seperate sections  
  
for different buisness contacts, and none were logged in. Artemis closed his PowerBook and sighed.  
  
  
  
That's the end of chapter one for now, it's still under construction. ^_^ Leave CC if it needs any help (it obviously does V_V)  
  
Thanks for reading! 


	2. Plane Ride Part II

......................................................................................  
  
I do not own Artemis Fowl or any of the characters that are the property of Eoin Colfer  
  
.......................................................................................  
  
Chapter Two- Plane ride Act II  
  
Twiddling his thumbs, Artemis turned to Juliet. She seemed to be content; watching a wrestling match on her mini DVD player surely kept her attention. She gasped and clapped as her favorite wrestler preformed the perfect combos, and she was commenting on every move. "Get im' Steve! That's right, finish him! ONE! TWO! TH- WHAT THE-" Apparently, the opposing wrestler got out of Steve's pin.   
  
"Juliet, you need to keep it down. This is a plane for heaven's sake!" forcibly whispered Artemis. Juliet casted her eyes down and mumbled to herself for a bit. Artemis fell back in his seat, deeply exhaled, and closed his eyes. He felt someone tap him on the shoulder and opened an eye a crack. "Yes?" he said irritatedly.  
  
"Well, young man, you sure are making a lot of noise. Could you please keep it down?" said a stewardess full of cheer. Artemis sighed, and sat up, drawing himself up.   
  
"Madam, do you know who you are talking to? I am not a "young man", but you insist on calling me that. I am no mere fool, I've probably an IQ higher than the whole crew on this plane combined. If you persist on calling me a young man from hereon out, I will have to turn you over to my bodyguard, Juliet." He cleared his throat. "And it hasn't been me making any noise. A parting thought, Miss. What is your name?"  
  
The stewardess faltered, obviously flustered by this vicious attack. "M-m-m-Molly youn-" Artemis cut her off.  
  
"Molly, have you ever been Suplexed?" Asked Artemis quietly. Molly shook her head. "If you persist with these little foolish games, you will be." Artemis smiled and returned to attempting to nap. He opened a single eye again, looking at the stewardess. "What are you waiting for? Shoo! Go on now, don't let a "young man" get in your way of servicing anyone else." commented Artemis. Molly wheeled on her foot and stumbled off. Artemis sighed and looked away. "Shame, really. She could've redeemed herself if she wasn't so unobservant. I obviously am not a child." Juliet giggled and looked around the plane.  
  
Vigorous attention.  
  
Artemis flipped his laptop back open, waiting for it to fully load. Once it did so, he signed on to the internet, his fingers a blur. Artemis went through several websites, pausing to read comments of importance. He closed the browser and opened up a virtual reality training program. Pulling out a wireless GunCon from his bag, he surfed through the menus, calibrating the gun. This was no ordinary GunCon, though. It had a removable clip, and that was the only real way to reload. No A or B buttons,  
  
no lightweight plastic. It weighed the same as a fully loaded handgun. Artemis raised an eyebrow. He had programmed this VR himself, complete with an actual function to induce pain when shot, assuming you have the actual physical equipment; strap on electrical shock attachments. Nothing dangerous, just enough to leave a smart sting. Switching the difficulty level up to eight of ten, he proceeded to the Warehouse level; eighty hostiles armed with fully automatic weapons. The only weapon you begin with is a unloaded handgun.  
  
Stealthily padding through the hallways, peeking around the corners, Artemis noticed no hostiles. He peeked into a closet. Bingo, the closet really was an ammunition storehouse. Tapping a key, he picked up a box of bullets. He looked around and spotted a full suit of Kevlar body armor. Artemis put it on. Artemis noticed a gun poking out of the top of the shelf, he jumped up and snatched it. It seemed to be a Rocket Propelled grenade launcher. Whistling, he looked around for any ammunition for it. Nothing. Damn. Then, before he left the room, he bumped into something. Tapping the K key on his keyboard to change the view downwards, he found what he tripped over was really a wooden crate. ©öÃz was printed on it in red spray paint. Bingo, ammo for the RPG. Grinning, he grabbed a few, loading the RPG launcher after he strapped some on his back. Suddenly, an alarm sounded and flashing lights were surrounding Artemis. Damn, must be security cameras. He slung the RPG launcher on his back and expertly drew his handgun.   
  
In the game, he was running along, but in real life, he was gripping his GunCon and tapping keys with the other hand.  
  
Artemis checked his stash of ammunition and weapons. 'Perfect' he thought. 'But this armor is really slowing me down...' He peeked around a corner and drew back almost instantly as a shot rang about an inch above his head. 'Time for a new plan,' and with that, Artemis looked up. A ladder lead to the upper levels. Artemis holstered his weapon and grabbed the closest rung and made his ascent.   
  
"Artemis," said Juliet. "That game looks interesting, what is it?" Artemis pressed the escape key, blacking the screen and putting it on pause. Artemis cleared his throat.  
  
"It's virtual reality training. As real as it gets, and if you're really bored, you can compete against friend over an internet connection. So far, that's not possible considering that this is the only copy available."  
  
"Interesting, maybe I could try some time," commented Juliet. Artemis nodded and turned back to his game.  
  
He was at the top of the ladder now. A hostile turned the corner and Artemis whipped out his gun, firing two shots; one landed between the eyes, and one in the chest. The hostile stopped in his tracks, the digitalized blood pouring from his wounds traced down his front. Artemis rushed forward and caught the falling enemy. Hopefully, no one heard the gunshot, but that was unlikely. He flipped the hostile over, searched him for anything of importance, and snatched off the dog tags, reading the name. "Paul Chun" was printed on it. Snatching the three flash grenades out of their pouches, Artemis heard shouts. They didn't sound very happy. The alarm stopped though, as Artemis noticed. 'That can't be good'.  
  
Back in real life, on the plane, people were staring at Artemis as if he were crazy. Mostly old people, they assumed the GunCon to be real.  
  
"Is he one of those terrorists?"  
  
"Why in the blue blazes of hell would he be pointing a gun at the damn laptop?"  
  
"Maybe Windows crashed."  
  
Artemis didn't notice anything these people were saying, he was busy avoiding a group of heavily armed enemies. He didn't get spotted, but one soldier was lagging behind. None of his comrades noticed this, so he just stopped. Panting, the enemy pulled out a bottle of water. Artemis caught him off guard; jumping behind him, he snapped the hostile's neck. An "oomph" emitted from the hostile's mouth and a crack from the neck, he fell to the floor. Artemis pressed the "G" key and he found a tranquilizer handgun. 'Can't tranquilize without darts' thought Artemis to himself. He shifted his view and saw a bright feather poking around the dead soldier's belt. Artemis grabbed it and it revealed a dart at the other end. 'Perfect'. Artemis found two more and loaded it, placing his handgun away. He decided o run down the corridor, and at the end, he had two choices, left or right. Before he reached the end, he decided to turn left.   
  
He reached the end, and as he turned left, he heard shouts from behind him. Artemis knew what was coming; gunshots would be piercing his flesh in less than a second. Executing a fifteen letter command, he simultaneously drew his RPG launcher, jumped three feet in the air, and turned one hundred and eighty degrees. This was the tricky part: aiming the GunCon so the grenade would fire directly into the group of twenty or so people. Although it was a tough call, he raised the GunCon an inch or so and fired.   
  
Perfect aim, the dismembered body parts went flying. Artemis landed as the last arms and legs fell, blood, not his own, clouded his vision. No actual harm was done to himself, but when he landed, someone snuck up behind him. Artemis looked at the vibration sensor on screen, it was sensing something, and that something was footsteps. Tossing aside the launcher, he grabbed for his handgun.  
  
"Young man, we must insist that you stop playing at once. The captain requests that all electrical devices are off." Artemis nodded, saved his game and flicked off his laptop. Juliet growled at the stewardess and glared. Artemis poked Juliet on the shoulder after he put the laptop in it's case.  
  
"Now Juliet, let me explain something about my relatives." he glanced to see if she was paying attention, not that it mattered. She was intently staring at his eyes. "Right. Okay, so my relatives might be anything from rude to downright annoying. Under uno/u circumstances are you to do any physical harm to them. iNONE./i" Juliet nodded and verbally affirmed that nothing would happen unless they were to lay a hand on him. Artemis smiled. "I'm sure nothing will. Oh, Juliet¼ I'm sorry about¼Butler." Juliet looked at her feet.  
  
"I'm sure that he'll be alright, Artemis" mumbled Juliet.   
  
  
  
Two weeks before, Butler was wounded and lost a great deal of blood. Even though he was safe from death, he couldn't recover fully for a while and still needed to rest in the finest hospital. He wouldn't let Juliet stay behind with him; he was surely not letting himself get in the way of Artemis's protection.  
  
"Don't let little old me stop you. This is your JOB, I'll be fine." insisted Butler. Juliet had tears welled up in her eyes at the time, something uncharacteristic of her. She hugged him, and he did the same for her.  
  
"Get well, big man. I love you." Those were Juliet's last words to Butler before she left to accompany Artemis.  
  
"On any rate, I want you to be prepared for the matter at hand. I need you to maintain your role: my older sister. If you maintain that role, nothing wrong with happen and no problems will arise. On the other hand¼ if you fail to complete your role, the only option will be to leave and you will be placed on probation. I know it is harsh, but this is important. If I cannot meet with my business associate, we have failed. Do you understand?" Juliet gulped and nodded. "My relatives are¼American. We might have troubles, they are arrogant and loud. I realize not all Americans are this way, but this particular family is. Just keep calm and nothing can happen against our plans." Juliet nodded again.  
  
Artemis checked his Rolex timepiece. They were thirteen minutes away from arriving at JFK airport. He would then find his relatives, be driven to their residence, spend some time, and at night, slip out. He would then be transported to the headquarters of his associates and then would do business.   
  
"Now Artemis, where are we renting our car from?" asked Juliet. Artemis pondered this for a moment and checked his palm pilot. "Well, I've brought enough money to actually buy what I want, and I'd rather dispose of it at the end of this venture. I think," he said, pausing to check his wallet. "Yes, I think that a H2 would do us well once I purchase it and get it, ahem, "pimped out"." Artemis said. He pictured the H2 he was to buy fully loaded with neons, rims, and other unnecessary equipment. He then shook his head and rethought it. "Actually, Juliet, do you think the 2003 model of the Porsche 911 is suitable?" asked Artemis.  
  
Juliet smiled. "It's a bit on the flashy side, but probably the best choice. Uhm, but what exactly did you mean by "dispose" of it? I mean, you don't exactly just get rid of a Porsche."   
  
"I would, I don't won't need it after this. I'll just sell it back or give it away to some charitable cause"  
  
"We will be arriving at JFK airport in three minutes, please secure all carry on luggage." Artemis grabbed his laptop case, and Juliet found her small duffel bag of clothes. They waited silently for the plane to land, and they were admitted off once it did. Artemis and Juliet walked through the carpeted hallways, and they stopped at the luggage pickup. They stood there, and looked around, none of their luggage had arrived yet. At the point where they were going to complain, their luggage appeared. "Finally" muttered Artemis. Juliet grabbed the packs and they looked around for the person to pick them up. No one was to be seen, so Artemis flicked out his cell phone and dialed his relative's cell phone. "Uncle Paul? I don't see you anywhere, where should I be?"   
  
"Hey Art, how's it been? Well, I'm at JFK, I'm on my way to baggage right now. I'll see ya there!" The phone clicked off and Artemis snapped his phone closed.   
  
"We'll see him anytime now¼" Artemis trailed off. He noticed a tall American man walking towards them; he was muscular, tall, and was wearing a black pinstriped suit. He had a silver tie on and was smiling.   
  
"Artemis Fowl, I presume." 


	3. Welcome to my home

Disclaimer: No, I do not own Artemis Fowl or any of Eoin Colfer's original characters. V_V*  
  
********************************************************************************  
  
Chapter Three- America  
  
Artemis raised an eyebrow. "Hello, Uncle Paul," he said. Artemis reached out to shake hands, but Uncle Paul grabbed his arm and wheeled him into a huge bear hug. Artemis winced as the air was squezed out of his lungs. "Urph..ugh...Okay! okay!"   
  
  
  
Uncle Paul smiled. "M'boy, it's been a long time since I've seen you, last time I did was... what, ten, eleven years?" asked his Uncle. Artemis shrugged and turned to Juliet, casting her a unique look. She giggled and covered her mouth. As Artemis straightened up, his Uncle took his laptop and Juliet's bag. Once Artemis finished, they started to walk towards the exit. Passing quite a few people, Artemis was making sure not to get lost in the crowd. He did get jostled about quite a bit though. Finally, they reached the exit, and the crowd thinned. Artemis opened the door for Paul and Juliet, and grimaced as Paul pushed him away. Artemis sighed and let Paul hold the door.   
  
  
  
"I'm just parked a bit up ahead, the car's in the garage" Artemis nodded. He gasped at the beautiful sun on the horizon, the clouds slowly gliding in the sky. The land streched out before him, airplanes taking off and landing in the distance. The sounds of airplane engines were somewhat muted to Artemis's ringing ears. He noticed he was stopped in his tracks and shook his head. Juliet was wating for him.  
  
  
  
"Ready, Art?" she asked. He responded by striding after Uncle Paul; he was getting farther and farther away. Juliet followed suit, and they caught up soon. "Uhm, Uncle Paul, where exactly do you live?"   
  
  
  
Paul smiled. "Well, I think you'll find out soon. I just hope you like it..." he trailed off. Artemis wondered what that meant, and he continued walking. They were descending a small incline; at the bottom and to the left lay the garage. Trees in wooden planters added to the scene, birds chattered away. Squirrels dashed around, in search for any scraps of food, most weren't so lucky. The hard concrete pathway was hard on Artemis's feet, and he frowned as he felt blisters forming.   
  
  
  
They had reached the bottom of the small hill, they turned a sharp left and entered the parking garage complex. A toll both with an angry looking guard inside was placed inbetween the entrance and exit. They payed no attention to him as they walked to row F and looked for the car. "Pau-, pardon, Uncle Paul, where exactly are you parked?" asked Artemis as he passed a silver car without an emblem. Uncle Paul halted.  
  
  
  
"I do believe you just passed it." said Paul, a slight grin on his face. Artemis didn't return the grin. He backtracked and looked at the car.   
  
  
  
"Yours?" asked Artemis. Paul nodded. "Uhm, what exactly IS it?"  
  
  
  
"Shall we go?" asked Paul. Artemis tilted his head and looked him in the eye.  
  
  
  
"Your call." Paul nodded and walked up to the driver side door, placing an index figer on a gel touchpad. Half an instant later, a melodious beep emmitted from the car. The doors clicked, and Paul opened the doors for Artemis and Juliet. Juliet entered first, then Artemis. The first thing they noticed was the seats; they weren't regular. Instead of being straight, a U shaped couch wraped around the back. The window was tinted, and most likely bulletproof. The second thing they noticed was how there was a small aquarium in the floor. 'Interesting' thought Artemis and Juliet in unison. The third thing that they noticed was the ten inch pulldown flatscreen TV positioned in front of them.   
  
  
  
"Did that come stock?" asked Artemis. Paul chortled as looked in the door. He pulled on a pair of driving gloves.  
  
"Seatwork costed me a good ten grand, the fishtank cost me eight, and the TV cost me about three. Worth it though. Only problem is the fish, it's hard to feed them because I forget it all of the time." clearing his throat, he continued. "Anyway, let's get this car moving, no?" he pulled his head out of the door and slid into the front seat. He touched another keypad and the car instantly started. Paul grabbed a speaker connected to the car's steering wheel and clipped it near his mouth. "Reverse" he said into it. Artemis watched intently. Hitting the gas, the car sped backwards, and Paul turned the wheel sharply. They backed out perfectly. "Drive" muttered Ucle Paul. The car beeped and he hit the gas again, shooting the car fowards. They turned left at the end of the row and slowed down as they neared the toll booth. The guard held out a hand. Paul whispered "drive window down" and the window shot down. Handing the guard a ticket, Paul smiled. "Nice day, no?"  
  
"No." said the guard. He processed the ticked in the computer. "Six bucks buddy. Pay up." Paul frowned.   
  
"That's no way to talk to a gentleman. Be a good boy and apologize" clearly said Artemis's uncle. The guard laughed.   
  
"Apologize?!? Are you serious?" spat the guard and grinned. Paul grinned along with him. Turning around in his seat, he said to Artemis and Juliet,  
  
"Wait here for a sec, but watch what I do." said Paul. Artemis obliged as Paul got out of the car. "I'll give you one more chance, now apologize" insisted Paul. The guard just laughed. Paul shook his head sadly. "Are you sure you want to go through with this?" The guard just stared. "Alright, but I won't be nice."  
  
Paul reached inside the booth's window and ripped the cords out of the security camera, rendering it useless.   
  
"Wait a sec, what the hell do you think you're doing?" yelled the guard. Paul just ignored him and pulled a small cylandrical object out of his pocket. "You're not getting in here, so why don't you just give up?" Paul continued what he was doing, he then placed the objeck up to the keyhole. Gripping it tightly, he turned it in midair. Juliet was puzzled, but Artemis was amazed. Paul had opened the door without a key or pick. Interesting, the secret seemed to lay in the object he was gripping.   
  
The guard was obviously scared now. He hadn't expected this muscular individual to get in his booth, he was in trouble now. Paul reached inside his jacket. "Stop, right now. I'm calling the police!" screamed the frightened man. He reached for a phone, but Paul pulled out a gun and released a pair of bullets into the guards hands. The guard yelled in sheer pain. Not good, this would attract attention. Paul shut the booth's door and pulled down the blinds. Artemis sat transfixed along with Juliet. Paul quickly turned from an innocent buisnessman to a malicious and violent attacker. Amazing. Juliet looked at Artemis.  
  
"That can't be good, Artemis" said Juliet, worried.   
  
Inside the booth, odd things were happening. He placed a hand on the guard's injured hand. Paul drew something from his Jacket and placed it behind the guard's ear.   
  
Paul left the booth.  
  
"I think we should go now, Art." commented Paul as he entered the driver's seat. He pressed his foot on the pedal and they turned right abruptly. Artemis leaned back in the seat as they shot up the incline. "He wasn't very polite. I taught him a lesson, though. Sadly he won't remember it." without explaing this, he found the exit for the highway. "I'm going to call my wife so she'll be prepared for us." Paul pulled a cellphone off of the dashboard and opened it smoothly, putting it on speakerphone. He then dialed his home number and placed it up to his ear. Ring....ring....*click*   
  
"Hello?" a cool female voice came over the earpiece. Paul smiled a wide smile.  
  
"Hey Jewl, how are you, honey?" crooned Paul. There was a slight pause.  
  
  
  
"Meh. I'm okay, I just woke up. What is it that you need though?"  
  
"Well, Art's on his way along with his sis, it's gettng late. Can you get their rooms ready? Also, we need some dinner." he leaned over his shoulder. "Hey Julie and Art, whatcha want to eat?" Artemis pointed to the road, and the truck that they were soon to crash into. Paul nodded and turned around, swerving the truck and missing by inches. He accelerated the car. "Well, what is it going to be?"   
  
"Well, some type of shellfish would be good," said Artemis. "But it's not my choice. You can pick."   
  
"Honey, make it a mix of our fresh lobster and some pan fried veggies. Just don't over do the fat. Keep it light."  
  
"Alright honey. How long will it be before you get home?"   
  
Paul flipped his watch over to his face, taking his eyes off the road. "Give it about ten." His wife cursed.   
  
"I'll just get one of the deep frozen ones."   
  
"Okay, hunny, I gotta go! I luvya!" he said in a honey laiden voice.  
  
"Bye bye!" squealed his wife.  
  
*CLICK*  
  
"Frozen?" asked Artemis. Paul responded slowly.  
  
"My wife has a real talent for cooking, but she doesn't like cooking one bit. So she cooks up a storm of all these wonderful things, vacuum seals 'em and freezes them for later. That way, she doesn't have to constantly cook, aside from heating the sealed food." Artemis nodded and closed his eyes.   
  
"Well, why doesn't she like cooking if she's so good?" asked Juliet. Paul shrugged. He sped the car up to 95 an hour and merged into the right lane, soon to get off on his exit. When he did so, he dropped the speed by fifty miles. Instead of the regular concrete surroundings, the area they were in was more calm, trees on the side of the road. Paul slowed down to thirty, and turned on to a road named "Elmore Hill". The street made a sharp, steep jump; the angle was fourty degrees. The car slowly climed up the hill, houses were getting larger and larger as they climbed higher. The street leveled out to a flat 180 degrees and there was one huge house at the end of the street, none else. It was painted white, and amazing landscape sculptures were placed near the path. It was now dark out; lights shone over the land, showing the shocking vastness of his property.   
  
"Welcome to my house."  
  
===================================================================================  
  
I worked hard on this chapter, I hope you like it ^_^ Just leave feedback so I can change anything wrong. 


	4. OMG GUEST CHAPTER

**Chapter Three- The Relatives**

**Written by the Big Friendly Walrus**

**Seeing a mansion was not a rarity for Artemis Fowl and Juliet Butler. After all, they both lived in one. But if you were to see their looks on their faces as they saw Paul's massive mansion, you would believe that they had lived their lives in the suburbs.**

**The house itself seemed like it was glowing. Artemis strained his eyes to see a patch of grass missing, a flower missing a petal, a fleck of paint chipped off, a peace of dog poo lying on the front yard. Anything at all to make it seem less than perfect, but nothing came.**

**Juliet's response was simpler. "Wow."**

"**You like it?" Said Paul with a grin. **

**Artemis tried something but all that came out was a small squeak.**

**Juliet looked around. "Is it just you and your wife?"**

**Paul shook his head. "Nope. We also live with our son, Ferguson and my father." He paused, then gestured towards the door. "Where are my manners? Will you please come in?"**

**From the kitchen, there was the sound of someone settling dinnerware, and the smell of lobster.**

"**Delicious," Artemis said.**

"**Honey?" Said a female voice. Artemis recognized it as Paul's wife, the one on the phone. "You here?"**

"**Yes, dear." Said Paul in the honey-laden voice he spoke with in the car. Artemis gritted his teeth. Had he been in the presence of anyone else save for his own blood that spoke in that tone, no doubt he'd do some verbal tongue-lashing.**

"**I'm glad you're here." Paul's wife, Jewl, said from the kitchen. "Dinner will be ready in a couple of minutes."**

**Paul turned to Artemis and Juliet. "You two can go upstairs and watch TV, or I can show you your rooms on the third floor."**

"**I believe we can find our rooms on our own, thank you very much." Said Artemis in a brisk tone. Juliet punched him in the ribs. Artemis looked around and coughed. "Yes, I think the television would be nice." The two walked upstairs. Perhaps Juliet had hindsight for finding televisions, as she found the room where the television set was in record time. There were three oversized chairs in the room, and one huge couch. There were some bookcases around the room. Artemis looked around for some sort of reference book to pass the time. While he was browsing, Juliet turned on the TV.**

**It was on one of the local news channel. "Samuel Refferlock was found this evening in his tollbooth, with something lodged in his brain." Said a reporter with thinning hair. "His hands were also shot, but it's clear the device in his brain is the cause of his damage. It's unclear that he will wake up any time soon. Whether this was a terrorist attack remains to be seen. But whether it's a terrorist attack or just plain assault, many are worried about the device itself."**

**The screen then cut to a scientist. "I've never seen anything like it. Its years beyond the technology we have."**

**Artemis squinted. He felt a sense of _déjà vu_. But he couldn't remember at all where he saw this.**

**Juliet looked at Artemis. "I thought what Uncle Paul did—"**

"—**was supposed to wipe out his memory, not put him in a coma, I know."**

**They heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Artemis looked at Juliet. "Quick! Give me the remote!"**

"**Why?"**

**Artemis jumped on the couch and grabbed it, changing it to one of Juliet's wrestling channels. Artemis wrinkled his nose. Barbaric. "Ho, ho! My, did you see how, ah, he just crushed that guy's head? _Fantastic_!"**

**Juliet grinned. "I never knew you liked wrestling."**

"**Of _course_ I do!" Artemis laughed. Uncle Paul had just arrived in the doorway.**

"**Dinner's ready." He said. He looked at Artemis for a second, and then walked downstairs.**

**No one was at the table yet, except for Paul. Artemis and Juliet took the seats farthest away from him. Gleaming white tableware was laid out all over the table. A jug of water was in the center. Artemis poured himself a glass of water and drank it.**

"**Jewl should be here any minute." Paul said.**

**As soon as he said this, they heard Jewl's voice from the kitchen. "Dinner's ready, sweeties!"**

**Nothing could prepare Artemis for the monstrosity that just walked in. Jewl had to weigh about three hundred pounds. At least. Her strapless sparkling dress barely kept in her overflowing bust. Her facial features were hidden in a mass of flab, with two beady eyes staring out. Her arms seemed to be the size of tree trunks. Her long blonde hair was tied up in a bun. Artemis realized the sick joke; Jewl may not like cooking, but she loved to eat. In her flabby arms was a plate with a steaming lobster, surrounding by vegetables. Delicious, but Artemis had lost his appetite.**

**Jewl laid the plate on the table and sat on the seat. The seat creaked under her weight. Juliet gave a nervous giggle that changed into a cough when she saw Artemis was looking at her. Paul stretched his finger to the plate when Jewl slapped his hand.**

"**Wait until Ferguson and your pops come, sweety!" She said.**

"**Okie dokie, hunny bun!" He said, giving her googly-eyes.**

**Paul turned towards Artemis and Juliet. "Be nice to Ferguson; he's a bit slow."**

"**Of course." Said Artemis. "Where is he now?"**

"**Well," Paul thought for a second. "Ferguson will probably be in his room playing video games." He paused, and then raised his voice. "Ferguson!" He called. "Din-din's ready!"**

**Artemis felt a rumbling down the stairs. Paul had apparently tried to do the work of the fictional Victor Frankenstein. Here was a large, lumbering monster patched from human body parts. Its eyes stared blankly. Artemis rubbed his eyes. No, it wasn't a monster in the vein of Frankenstein, but it was horrible in its own right. He would make a great mobster henchman when he grew older. Whereas Paul and his obese wife dressed like rich, elegant people Ferguson wore a farmer's overalls over a dirty T-shirt. He had a short, butch crewcut. He seemed to be as tall as Butler, but unlike Butler, this size seemed way to big for him. It was as if someone stretched him apart.**

**He rumbled over to Artemis and stared at him. Artemis sipped his water calmly. Ferguson didn't move.**

"**Yes?" Said Artemis.**

"**You're sitting in my seat." Ferguson rumbled, his large arms swinging like a gorilla.**

"**Fergy, dear," Said Jewl in a sickeningly sweet voice. "You can sit next to daddy today. Is that okay?"**

**Ferguson stared at Artemis for a good minute longer. Then he sat down in the seat next to Paul. Paul patted his back like a master does to a good dog.**

**Juliet shot Artemis a look. _Just a _little _weird, you said?_**

**Artemis shrugged. There came the shuffling of a walker from outside the room.**

"**That must be Pops." Said Paul.**

**An old man walked inside the room. The closest thing that Artemis could compare him to was that horrific old man from the Six Flags commercial they saw at the airport. He looked like a living representation of death itself. His hands were covered in spots. His skin seemed to stretch tautly across his skull. He had a few strands of hair on his bald skull. He had thick black glasses.**

"**Not nice to stare, sonny boy." The old man wheezed. "Didn't your mama tell you that?"**

**Five minutes later, the old man got to his seat and sat in the one next to Ferguson. **

**There was an awkward moment of silence. The old man coughed. **

"**Do we eat now?" Said Ferguson, looking around.**

"**Yes." Said Paul. "Everyone dig in!"**

"**I can't wait!" Squealed Jewl, her cheeks quivering with excitement.**

**Everyone helped himself or herself to some lobster. Artemis slowly cut the lobster in bite-sized chunks and ate them with a fork. Ferguson ate his like he would a chicken-leg. Jewl had helped herself to twice the normal size and was eating it ravenously. Lobsterjuice dribbled down her face. Artemis blanched.**

"**So," said Paul. "How's life with you and your sister?"**

"**Quite well," Said Artemis, sipping his water. "Thanks for asking."**

**The old man was cleaning his false teeth in his water glass. "Eeeww!" Said Juliet. "That's _disgusting_!"**

**The old man put his teeth back in his gums. "Gawdammit, you should respect your elders better. Besides, if you two are related, how come you have blonde hair and he has black hair?"**

**Artemis sipped his water and spoke with no hesitation. "We are not twins. Juliet was born before I was. Our mother has blonde hair, and our father dark. It all depends on dominant genes." Artemis said. That wasn't entirely true, but the old man seemed satisfied. He was helping himself to another lobster piece.**

**Artemis would feel guilty of thinking this in the future, but right now nothing stopped him. He felt dirty that these-these _people_ shared the Fowl name. Artemis had always expected the Fowl name to be synonymous with excellence, not for these eccentric loonies. **

**Artemis sighed and wiped his mouth. "May I be excused?"**

**Paul nodded, bits of food spilling from his mouth. **

**This business associate better be worth it, Artemis thought, with all the stuff that he had to put up with.**

**After dinner, Artemis sat down in with a glass of cool water and watched some debate on environmental laws on the television. Ferguson came in. He stared at Artemis for a good five minutes before asking, "How come you always drink water? Doesn't it make you go pee?"**

**Artemis pretended he didn't hear Ferguson. He increased the volume on the set.**

**Ferguson sat down on the chair opposite Artemis. He looked at the screen for a couple of seconds, before turning to Artemis.**

"**This is boring."**

"**Of course it's boring," Artemis snapped. "You are a mental baboon. Nothing compared to my intellect. So of course, you would find it 'boring'."**

**With that, Artemis stormed upstairs. Ferguson sat there, looking slack-jawed. "Huh?"**

**Artemis lay on his bed, thinking.**

**He thought about many things. He thought about Butler, lying in the hospital. He thought about his business associate. He thought about the strange sense of déjà vu when he saw certain things, like the box of Lucky Charms in the cabinet. Maybe a walk around the house outside would help clear his mind.**

**He got up and twisted the doorknob. It would have been locked from the outside. Why would Paul (or whoever had done it) want to lock him up in his room?**

**Now feeling a bit scared (but just a little bit) Artemis fell back onto his bed. What would Butler have done? Most likely kick the door down, Artemis thought with a grin. **

**While he was thinking, there came a soft tapping on his window. Artemis looked and there, in the window, was a fairy. It had the typical fairy characteristics; pointed ears, small size, wings, etceteras. However, the fairy's wings seemed almost artificial and mechanical. An elf perhaps?**

**Whereas most people would be horrified if, in the middle of the night, a supernatural creature would tap on their window, Artemis merely tried to deduce the entity. Of course, had this creature been some sort of pale vampire scratching its fingers against the window rather than some sort of fairy, he might have been a little scared.**

**The fairy (if that's what it was) tapped its fingers on the window once more. Artemis slowly opened it. The fairy was probably a female. She, had hazelnut skin, and cropped red hair. Her eyes were also brown. Artemis had hit puberty recently, and he found her very attractive. In a tomboyish sort of way.**

"**Can I come in?" She said.**

**Artemis nodded slowly. The fairy flew in and landed on Artemis's bed. "I'm glad that worked, considering this isn't really your house."**

**Artemis shifted uncomfortably. "If you don't mind me asking; who are you? To be more specific, what are you?"**

**The creature stared at Artemis. "Oh, I keep on forgetting that we mind wiped you. I'm Holly Short. I'm a LEPRecon Captain."**

"**So you're a leprechaun?" Asked Artemis.**

"**No, that's just a job." Said Holly. "I'm a fairy. This is probably going to sound crazy, but we once knew each other. Chances are you're not going to understand what I'm going to say, but you have to believe me."**

**Artemis grinned humorlessly. "I have no problem believing you. I'm not one of those fools who doesn't believe evidence when it's staring them in the face."**

"**Right." Said Holly. "As I've said before, we once knew each other. In fact, you pretty much knew about all of us. We had to mind wipe you--"**

"**What about Butler? Did he know?"**

"**Yes, and so did your other bodyguard, Juliet." Holly said. "Anyway, we need to get you out of here now."**

"**What about Juliet?"**

"**We're going to come back, but its imperative we get your mind restored before we do anything with her. It'll make it a bit easier."**

**Artemis went through his drawers for some clothes. "Out of curiosity, how did we meet?"**

**There was a small moment of silence. Not too big, but big enough to know that he had said something wrong.**

"**It doesn't matter any more." Said the fairy, in a somewhat cold voice. "Besides, you'll find out soon enough."**

**Artemis got his clothes on in silence. When he was done tying his shoes, he asked, "This has something to do with the Refferlock person, the guy at the toll booth, doesn't it?" He had a memory of the guy screaming in sheer agony.**

"**Yes, and no." Holly said, sitting next to Artemis on the bed. "We have a monitoring on pretty much everything that involves you."**

"**Big brother is watching you." Artemis said, under his breath.**

"**If you knew what you were, you'd understand our paranoia." Holly said. "Anyway, we heard about the toll booth guard from one of Foaly's satellites. Being as he was related to you, and that he accessed technology that no one could comprehend, we got a bit worried. We doubted that you had anything to do with it, but he may or may not be accessing fairy technology. Either way, another Fowl knowing about the fairies is one hell of a coincidence."**

"**Sort of like a Charles Dickens novel." Said Artemis.**

"**Hm?" **

"**A lot of his books had coincidences in them. For example, in his novel _Great Expectations_, a young boy helped out a convict. Later, a benefactor helped him get rich, and the benefactor turned out to be the very same convict from before."**

"**That sounds interesting," Said Holly, adjusting a clip on her belt. "I'll have to ask Foaly if he has it recorded on his computer."**

"**Why did you come to me?" Artemis asked. "Are Juliet and I in danger?"**

**Holly sighed. "Well, Paul Fowl isn't exactly sane. This you know. I doubt you are in mortal danger, but he does have a bad temper that escalates. And you do have a habit of pushing people's nerves."**

**Artemis grinned.**

"**Chances are you can help us with this scenario, although Root was very, ah, hesitant in letting me come here." Holly pressed another button on her belt. "Besides, I missed you. I...wanted to see you again."**

**There was a moment of awkward silence, when Artemis pointed at the button she was poking on her belt. "What's that?"**

"**Its something to use to attach heavier stuff on my belt when I fly."**

**Artemis gulped. "That heavier object wouldn't be me, would it?"**

**Holly grinned. "Smart little mud boy, aren't you?" Before Artemis could say anything, Holly attached Artemis onto her belt and leapt out the window. Artemis let out a scream.**

**As cool and calculated Artemis was, he had a fear of heights. He closed his eyes and put his arms around Holly's waist as if he was in danger of falling. Holly let out a laugh. She did miss the old Artemis, but this new one did have its quirks.**

"**Its nice to see you, Artemis." Said Holly with a grin. "I missed this a lot."**

**Inside Artemis's room, there was a jingling of keys outside the door. The door opened. A figure came in and looked around. The sheets were tangled up. The cabinet open. And Artemis was missing.**

**The figure let out a scream and threw the mattress onto the floor with a thump. He smacked the lamp. It fell to the floor with a crash.**

**Panting heavily, the figure noticed the opened window. He looked outside it and saw two small silhouettes against the moon. The figure stood there for a good while longer before leaving the room and closing the door.**


End file.
